IELTS線上作文專業批改

菁英IELTS線上作文專業批改

Eileen老師

Eileen老師

Scott老師

Topic: Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in
every subject. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

For the equality of genders, some people tend to insist there should have1 the same
opportunity for both male and female2 in every field, such as the position of politicians,
the job opportunity in a company, and the rights of3 education in school. As far as I am
concerned,4 schools do not have to accept5 6equal number of students in genders7 in every
subject.8

9First of all,10 there are some subjects in school11 suitable for either male12 or female13,
such as14 military class15 is more16 preferred by male students due to their responsibility
of compulsory military service, while its17 counterpart does not18. Furthermore, what is
better for students is that they have freedom of selecting subjects. It is undeniable that

  • 11 There should be.
  • 2 For both man and woman/for men and women/for both sexes
  • 3 To.
  • 4 You write this essay, so of course you are concerned. Avoid unnecessary self-reference like this one.
  • 5 Require/mandate
  • 6 An equal number/equal numbers
  • 7 Of both sexes
  • 8 You have directly answered the topic question, which is commendable.
  • 9 There has to be a transition between your introduction paragraph and the body paragraphs. At the end of he introduction paragraph, you should set it up for the body paragraph. Otherwise, you create the impression of abruptness. In other words, you have to briefly mention your examples and reasons before diving into your body paragraphs.
  • 10 If you have “firstly,” you must also have “secondly” and “thirdly.” When you write “first of all” and the raters cannot find the others, they may conclude that you cannot coherently organize your thoughts.
    Similarly, “on one hand” and “on the other hand” must go together.
  • 11 This modifier should be moved to the beginning of the sentence to avoid ambiguity.
    In school, there are some subjects that are geared toward one sex over the other.
  • 12 If you use “male/female” as a noun, you have to either use an article or make it plural. If you use it as an adjective, then of course it should be followed by a noun.
  • 13 Either male students or female students/either males or females/either men or women
  • 14 “Such as” is a two-word preposition, so it should be followed by a noun, a noun clause, or gerund. It cannot be followed by a complete sentence. “Military classes are favored by men” is a complete sentence. You can correct the sentences
    … such as military courses that are traditionally/typically/as a whole favored by men.
    Military courses, for instance, are traditionally favored by men.
  • 15 Military classes/military course
  • 16 “More” cannot be placed right next to “prefer.” Doing so is redundant.
  • 17 It takes me a few minutes to finally realize what you are trying to say. “While its counterpart does not” is out of place in the sentence. You should either delete it or make it a new, independent sentence:
    To begin with, some subjects appeal more to men than to women. Military courses, for instance, attract far more men because men in Taiwan have to fulfill mandatory military service whereas women do not.
    …. It is less appealing to women because women do not have to fulfill military services.
    However, you are assuming that the IELTS raters know much about Taiwan. Don’t make that assumption.
    Some of them might not even be able to tell Taiwan from Thailand. Don’t talk about things in Taiwan and then assume the raters can follow you. You will lose them.
  • 18 The correct grammar, now that I understand what you are trying to say, is “… while their counterparts do not.”

most of students19 have their own talent or interest in specific fields, and they can learn better if they are really interested in it.

Although accept20 equal numbers of students’ gender21 in all subject22 do23 good to students to have balanced thinking and interpersonal skill with it’s24 counterpart25, it is not necessary to reach it by using this way26. By making a subject to be a compulsory one,27 both male and female students need to learn together,28 there would be more
opportunity29 for them to receive different opinion30 and have more understanding to the other31.32

By way of conclusion,33 there is no necessary34 to have male and female students in equal number35 in all subjects,36 in contrast, school should have more optional class37 for student38 without consider the equality in gender39. As for the sense of competition and cooperation of student40 learned41 from their counterpart42, it can be fulfilled by a
compulsory class that have both male and female student43 in it.

You seem to directly answer the topic question in your introduction paragraph (if I understand the writing correctly) but then you end up supporting both positions. I am still not sure what your position is. You say the policy is a good idea and then you say the opposite.

In terms of grammar, you must find out how to correctly use commas, periods, and semicolons. I look forward to your next, better essay. This essays gets 4 to 5 out of 9.

  • 19 It is either “most students” or “most of the students.”
  • 20 Accepting
  • 21 Equal numbers of students of both sexes/equal numbers of men and women
  • 22 Subjects
  • 23 Does
  • 24 Please find out how “its” differs from “it’s.”
  • 25 delete “its counterpart.” You overuse “counterpart” and often incorrectly.
  • 26 “Using this way” is not English. Let’s correct the sentence:
    It is not necessary to achieve this goal this way/Achieving this goal does not require such a drastic measure.
  • 27 By making a subject mandatory/required/compulsory
  • 28 Change this comma to a period. You cannot use a coma to combine two complete sentences.
  • 29 Opportunities
  • 30 Opinions. This is a countable noun.
  • 31 For one another
  • 32 This is a contradictory paragraph. First you say it is not necessary and then you change your position and
    say men and women should be learning together.
  • 33 This is not wrong but it is more stilted. You can simply say “in conclusion.”
  • 34 It is not necessary to …
  • 35 Numbers
  • 36 This should be a period.
  • 37 Classes/courses
  • 38 students
  • 39 regardless of the student’s gender/sex
  • 40 students
  • 41 learn/can learn/will learn
  • 42 counterparts
  • 43 students

Scott老師

Topic: Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than in other
important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some professional sport stars earn plenty of money and live in a1 luxury and extravagant lifestyle2. Some people argue that it is unfair, while others believe for their professional performances3.4

People who think sport stars should not reward5 that much may argue that the wealthy6 gap is still wide worldwide. When a famous 7star enjoys his fabulous8 cars and huge houses9, there is a child starving in10 many days. Compare11 to 12the successful businessmen or politicians, sports professionals13 become rich in a short time.14 That makes people jealous and thinks15 it is an easy way16. Some people may concern that17 they reward18 wealth due to their gift instead of how much endeavors19 they strive to make.

Some people, however, agree that they deserve to receive that much20 salaries because of their incredible performance in21 the courts22. Athletes exposure23 in a24 extremely

  • 1 Delete it.
  • 2 This is a redundancy error. To live in the lap of luxury and to have an extravagant lifestyle are very similar. Pick either one and leave out the other. It is like saying, “People trust and have confidence in my father.”
  • 3 … while others hold/assert/contend/believe that these star athletes are paid fairly according to their professional performances/contribution to the franchise. … while others believe that their professional performance justify the hefty paychecks.
  • 4 You have to account for where you stand on the issue in the introduction paragraph. That is to say, you have to directly answer the question in the opening paragraph. Don’t make the rater wait. Before you finish this paragraph, you also have to properly and briefly set up for the body paragraphs: what are you reasons and examples? What are you going to talk about in the body paragraph(s)?
  • 5 … should not be rewarded …
  • 6 The income gap/the gap between the haves and the have-nots/the disparity between the rich and the poor
  • 7 sports star
  • 8 “Fabulous” and “Awesome” are both too colloquial. Change it to “fancy.”
  • 9 Mansions.
  • 10 For.
  • 11 Compared.
  • 12 Compared to even the successful businesspersons and …
  • 13 Successful athletes.
  • 14 … seem to get too rich too soon/… have too much too quickly
  • 15 That makes people jealous and think …
  • 16 … and think that these athletes are grossly overpaid based on tangible contribution to society compared to other professionals/… and thank that these athlete millionaires have it too easy for doing too little
  • 17 … may be concerned that …/… may have concern(s) that …
  • 18 … are rewarded great wealth …
  • 19 See the next note. Change this to “rather than (to) their efforts/how hard they try/how much their contribute.
  • 20 that much money. “Much” is used to modify an uncountable noun. “Salaries” is plural, so you must replace it with a singular, uncountable noun.
  • 21 On
  • 22 Not all sports are played on the court like basketball. Here you can simply say “In the game.”
  • 23 Athletes are exposed to …

dangerous circumstance25 whether26 playing basketball, American football, or other sports. Their lives could be taken away anytime27 and their bodies might be hurt by anyone28. Moreover, sports stars’29 career life30 is short,31 in other words, they are easily32 to be replaced by younger and stronger athletes. Hence, they must accumulate money as
soon as possible. As long as33 they are old and weak, they become priceless34. In addition, nevertheless, they perform in a game just for few minutes, how many times35 they need to keep fit and refine36 their skill should be considered.37

I personally respect sports professionals and believe that they deserve a great deal of money. Once they become a super star38, they must have undergone39 massive endeavors behind the successful40 story.

This is a good essay. It stays on the subject and directly answers the question. This essay can be even better if you do away with the first-person voice and if you give better examples.

An easy target is NBA players. You can also use some counterexamples such as firefighters and teachers who make far more contributions to society but who are paid far less. You have a serious program with singular and plural forms of now. Do some quizzes and read up on some tutorials. Elite’s grammar books have many such materials. This essay should easily get 7 to 8 out of 9.

  • 24 An
  • 25 situation/environment. Circumstances are usually plural.
  • 26 “Whether” means a choice between two (whether A or B). Here you have three items: American football,
    basketball, and other sports. You cannot use “whether” here. Change the sentence to: Some athletes have to play in a dangerous environment such as boxing, gymnastics, and skiing.
  • 27 Any time/in an instant
  • 28 “By anyone” is clearly an overstatement. Change the sentence to, “… their bodies might incur injuries in the course of the play.”
  • 29 A star athlete’s career is short
  • 30 Delete “life.” This is another redundancy error.
  • 31 Change this comma to a semicolon. A semicolon, not a comma, can combine two complete sentences.
  • 32 It is easy to replace… It is easy to be replaced by… It can be easily replaced by …
  • 33 Once/As soon as …
  • 34 Priceless=invaluable= having great value. Change the sentence to “… they (begin to) lose value.”
  • 35 How much time
  • 36 Nice word.
  • 37 This sentence is barely readable. I had to read it several times to finally understand what you are trying
    to say. Let’s improve this sentence: What they do may look easy; after all, they are “playing” a “game.” However, people should take into consideration the amount of time and efforts it takes for them to stay in top form and to hone their craft.
  • 38 Superstars (the subject is “they.”).
  • 39 This is a wrong word choice, although it is a good word. To undergo something does not mean to do something; it means to experience, to go through something. Change it to “exerted.”
  • 40 Success.

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